Tuesday, September 30

Taste-Test Tuesday!

What: 5 in Lush and in Elixir

Huh?: New sugarless gum from Wrigley’s in flavors described as “a mouthwatering berry” and “a crisp tropical”

Shoutout: The packaging—a sleek black envelope with the number 5 and a narrow burst of color—is too cool and hip for words.

Expectation: Juicy Fruit

Reality: Yummy. 5 is remarkably sweet but in a good way that makes you feel like you’re biting into little grains of sugar and not a fake, aspartame-y way. Lush’s burst of berryness is short but intense. Elixir’s surge of orange flavor lasts for almost an hour. Plus, it makes my mouth feel curiously fresh and minty. Mandarin with a hint of mint. Good times.

giveaway giveaway! The first person to e-mail Free! with a haiku using the words mouthwatering berry or crisp tropical wins a pack of each.

ps> Mom actually bought more of the Zone Fusilli. Ick. Every time I think about the gritty mealiness I get nauseous and now I have to see it whenever I open the cabinet with all the snacks. I might never eat potato chips again.

Monday, September 29

Wanted! Nutritionist to work on revolutionary diet book with Savvy magazine features editor. Contact cghuggins@yahoo.com.

After several rewrites, Caitlin posts the ad on mediabistro. Although she’s worked at Savvy for almost two years, she doesn’t know enough about recommended daily allowances to figure out if the WWII ration diet is healthy and nutritionally viable for today’s woman. These days, Caitlin talks a lot about “today’s woman.” Like: “Today’s woman needs a diet that’s simple and easy to understand.” And: “Today’s woman is tired of gimmicks.”

Friday, September 26

Magic diet pills party!

• MetaboLife Stage 1 Supplements in Ultra
• MetaboLife Stage 2 Supplements in Break Through
• GNC Cut 25 Thermogenic Calorie Reducing Formula
• GNC Burn 60 Dietary Supplement
• GNC Women’s Ultra Mega Active Dietary Multivitamin
• GNC Lean Shake Healthy Meal Replacement in Chocolate

Thursday, September 25

The Brits are on board!

The Ministry of Defense agreed to sell Caitlin the rights to the World War II ration coupon booklet design. Adele is flabbergasted and has started a letter-writing campaign to Hillary Clinton and Chuck Schumer to block the deal. She mutters as she types but every so often you can hear a word or two. National disgrace. Embarrassment. Greatest Generation mocked.

Wednesday, September 24

Q: What’s weirder than a lump of coal?

A: Reptisand, all natural substrate for desert-dwelling reptiles

Let me translate that for you: lizard sand. That’s right, some savvy marketing or publicity guy sent lizard sand to a women’s glossy. Like it’s something we’d cover in our special holiday gift issue. “The substrate for the gila monster who has everything!” But get this—it goes immediately. One second it’s there looking like some sort of prepackaged cake mix and the next it’s gone. Whoosh. I wonder who the lucky gal is.

• Rhinestone tiara
• Green tote bag from Enviga the Calorie Burner
• 50 MB flash drive from Canyon Ranch Spa
• Dale and Thomas Half Ice Tea and Half Lemonade

Tuesday, September 23

Taste-Test Tuesday!

What: 100 Calorie Pack Honey Maid Delight Bar in Chocolate and in Cheesecake

Huh?: Snack bars

Shoutout: No shoutout per se but renaming a snack bar a Delight Bar practically screams desperate.

Expectation: An overly sweet confection that tastes okay at first and gets increasingly gross until you can’t take another bite, at which point you belatedly realize you ate the whole thing.

Reality: There is no “at first.” The Delight Bar is a displeasure from the moment my teeth make contact. Both flavors are awful but the chocolate is worse than the cheesecake. No, wait, the cheesecake aftertaste just hit me. Blech! Where can I spit? The taste is so completely artificial it’s like you’re pumping preservatives straight into your veins. Oh, and the cakey part has a faux-wheat mealiness to it. I’d write more but I have to get something to wash away the taste. Flavored water stat!

Monday, September 22

The War Ration Diet Lives!

An excited Caitlin comes in this morning with a World War II rationing booklet that she downloaded from the Internet. She spent all night Googling rationing amounts for the War Ration Diet. “Here’s how it works,” she says. “Each week you get your ration of cheese, meat, sugar, butter, etc., and as you eat your share, you stamp the coupon booklet like this.” She demonstrates with a marker because she wasn’t able to download an actual stamp. But she’s having one made up. It’s the first thing on her to-do list for the day.

I think she’s only saying this to bug Adele but when she calls information in England and asks to speak to the Ministry of War I realize she’s serious. Adele realizes it too and spends the rest of the day grumbling about the exploitation of World War II veterans and their struggle.

• 6 aprons with Savvy logo
• Yellow medicine ball
• Kashmir Beauty Hand Cream with Natural Dead Sea Minerals and Cardamon Extract
• Revlon Nail Enamel in Craving Coral

Friday, September 19

More Diet Fun!

Now we’re only playing to annoy Adele. She tries to pretend she isn’t listening but every time we come up with a new diet she grunts. It’s like she can’t help it. Maybe she doesn’t even know she’s doing it. Two that really get her grumbling: The Radium Diet (me): Dose yourself with radioactive isotopes to kill your appetite. The War Ration Diet (Caitlin): Eat only what was allowed during World War II rationing.

Thursday, September 18

Memoir Mania!

• Moose: A Memoir of Fat Camp by Stephanie Klein
• Falling into Manholes: The Memoir of a Bad Girl/Good Girl by Wendy Merrill
• Identical Strangers: A Memoir of Twins Separated and United by Elyse Schein and Paul Bernstein
• Feed the Hungry: A Memoir with Recipes by Nani Power
• The Devil, the Lovers and Me: My Life in Tarot by Kimberlee Auerbach
• The Man Who Ate the World: In Search of the Power Dinner by Jay Rayner
• The Suicide Index: Putting My Father’s Death in Order by Joan Wickersham
• Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks and a Writer’s Life by Kathleen Norris
• Personal Record: A Love Affair with Running by Rachel Toor
• The Idiot Girl and the Flaming Tantrum of Death: Reflections on Revenge, Germophobia and Laser Hair Removal by Laurie Notaro

ps> Another reason why we weren’t nominated for that very important award? Tape. Scotch tape. It is all over the office and it’s keeping us down! But no more. It, like Betty, has been banished to the bottom drawer. From now on we can only use thumbtacks. It’s sad but good. At least Betty has company.

Wednesday, September 17

Betty Banished!

The bad luck just keeps on coming... For the first time in six years, Savvy isn't nominated for some big-deal national magazine award, so Georgie's on a rampage. The clutter! The mess! The disorganization! How can anybody produce award-winning journalism like this? So out come the Dumpsters and we spend the entire afternoon cleaning out our cubes. Anything not directly related to magazine business must go. Poor Betty. Her moment in the sun all too brief, she's now in the bottom drawer of my desk. It's dark and lonely like those days she played dives in Ottumwa.

• The New Science of Perfect Skin: Understanding Skin Care Myths and Miracles for Radiant Skin at Any Age by Daniel Yosh
• Dove Go Fresh Energize Body Wash in Grapefruit and Lemongrass
• Dove Refresh Body Wash in Waterlilly and Mint
• Measuring Cup Flour Sifter from Progressive
• Turn It Silver CD by Deena Rubinson

Tuesday, September 16

Taste-Test Tuesday! Special Home Edition

What: Dr. Sears' Zone Fusilli

Huh?: Pasta with added protein from peas and soy so you can eat it on the Zone diet. Mom serves it with jarred tomato-basil sauce from Trader Joe’s and garlic bread.

Shoutout: “Zone Balanced”

Expectation: Regular, everyday pasta

Reality: Gritty. Like spinach that hasn’t been scrubbed enough. The folks don’t think it’s so bad and Dad even has seconds but I can’t finish it. And it’s not just the grittiness. It’s weirdly mealy. I can’t explain it but there’s something really wrong with it. I dump my bowl in the trash and polish off the garlic bread. Still hungry, I have two scoops of vanilla ice cream. Now, that’s zone balanced!

Monday, September 15

Take the Diet Game Challenge!

Caitlin and I continue to think of crazy new diets. The one who comes up with the most ridiculous, insane idea gets bragging rights and a bottle of Q Tonic, a chichi tonic made from hand-picked quinine and organic agave that could pass for a trophy if you squint. I invent the Stone Age Diet: Eat like a caveman. Caitlin goes with the Toothpick Diet: Eat whatever you want as long as you can pick it up with a toothpick. Adele snorts loudly and says both of these have already been done.

Killjoy.

Ignoring her, Caitlin insists that I’m onto something. “Deprivation,” she says. “Creating scarcity in the midst of abundance—that’s the billion-dollar idea.”

• Pyramid-shaped snow globe from the Egyptian Tourist Board
• Jergens Original Scent Cherry-Almond Moisturizer
• Mini stuffed monkey from It’s All Greek to Me
• Ghirardelli Chocolate Squares Premium Chocolate Assortment

Friday, September 12

Tea for every mood!

Goodbye, android Ephron. Hello, Esencias by El Natura Lista. Finally, a mass-produced item that reflects who I really am. Simple and straightforward, the Esencias pack contains four different moods and I’ve had them all: happiness (thyme, sage, lavender cotton), solidarity (green tea, mint, peppermint, cardamon), sincerity (lemon balm, lime blossom, lemon verbena), vitality (green tea, peppermint, hibiscus). Yeah, it’s a bit heavy on the positives but plain old Lipton can be the go-to for the negatives. Feeling at one with the universe, I brew a cup of Solidarity. Peace!

• Lush Volcano Foot Mask
• 5 mugs that say "Inspire Yourself"
• Yellow plastic flower
• Life Fitness Everday Omega-3 soft chews

Thursday, September 11

Diet Book Dizziness!

• The Idiot-proof Diet by Neris Thomas
• The South Beach Diet Supercharged by Arthur Agatston
• The Park Avenue Diet by Stuart Fischer
• The GenoType Diet by Peter D’Adamo
• The Ultimate Tea Diet by Mark “Dr. Tea” Ukra
• The Rice Diet Solution by Kitty Gurkin Rosati
• The No-Crave Diet by Penny Kendall-Reed
• The Sonoma Diet by Connie Guttersen
• The Supermarket Diet by Janis Jibrin
• The Flavor Point Diet by David Katz
• The Enlightened Diet by Deborah Kesten
• The SuperFoods Rx Diet by Wendy Brazilian
• The Best Life Diet by Bob Greene
• The Women’s Health Perfect Body Diet by Cassandra Forsythe
• The Writing Diet by Julia Cameron
• The Red Wine Diet by Roger Corder
• The No S Diet by Reinhard Engels
• The Alternate-Day Diet by James B. Johnson
• The Wall Street Diet by Heather Bauer
• The Ultimate Omega-3 Diet by Evelyn Tribole
• The Abs Diet for Women by David Zinczenko

I marvel for ten minutes about how many diet books there are but Caitlin just shrugs. “Add ‘diet’ to the end of anything,” she says, “and you have a potential best-seller. It’s like putting ‘in bed’ at the end of a fortune.”

I don’t believe her so she tells me try. I look around my desk and see the EcoTools tote bag I took on Monday. “Tote bag,” I say.

She laughs. “C’mon, you’re not even trying. The Tote Bag Diet: Fill a tote bag with food each morning and eat only that for the entire day.”

I look around for something really challenging. “Pencil sharpener.”

“The Pencil Sharpener Diet,” she says. “Eat whatever you want but whittle it to a quarter of its size first.”

mood: befuddled> No befuddled (hello, Dr. Ephron, are you even human?) so I try ‘for apocalyptic vision’ (War of the Worlds, The Stand) ‘for a wallow in a slough of despond’ (The Bell Jar, A Series of Unfortunate Events) and ‘to clean your plate’ (The Man Who Ate Everything, The Art of Eating).

Wednesday, September 10

Bad-Break Betty Hits the Big Time!

Penny shows me her photo of Betty, and it’s all superstar rock star. It’s a close-up from her shoulders up, and Penny totally Photoshopped the colors so that her eyes are crazy-blue and her lips are bright red and her skin glows with an upbeat rosiness that actually looks healthy. Even the hole in her cheek is glam. The crack that runs along her cheek to her to her lip looks just like Tina Fey’s scar. And her hair! It’s a bright golden blond that fans across her forehead like Farrah Fawcett’s. Beautiful. Penny says I can keep the photo. Yay! I hang it in the cubicle behind me so that the Bettys can look at each other.

mood: happy> No happy (?!) so I go with ‘to celebrate friends’ (Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants), ‘to be astounded’ (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe) and ‘for inspiration’ (Their Eyes Were Watching God, To Kill a Mockingbird).

Monday, September 8

Random!

• Physicians Formula Mineral Wear Talc-free Mineral Loose Powder
• About Face: Women Write About What They See When They Look in the Mirror by Anne Burt
• Monthly labels from Avery
• Tote bag and loofah from EcoTools
• Model: A Memoir by Cheryl Diamond
• The Importance of Music to Girls by Lavinia Greenlaw
• Navy blue turtleneck from JCPenney
• Meyer’s Clean Day Freshening Spray
• Writing Through Darkness: Easing Your Depression with Paper and Pen by Elizabeth Maynard Schaefer

and oh> I take 1001 Books for Every Mood by Hallie Ephron because I’m still feeling smug about Adele and the superneaky Engobi plot and I want to know what I should read to make the most of it. Smug isn’t in the Table of Moods, so I check out ‘misbehave’ (Steal This Book, Where the Wild Things Are), ‘for thrills’ (The Da Vinci Code, All the President’s Men) and ‘for hubris’ (The Bonfire of the Vanities, Advertisements for Myself).

Friday, September 5

Snag of the Century!

Blair’s throw pillow from Gossip Girl. That’s right, the same pillow that’s on her bed in the first episode of the series. Light blue silhouette of a bird on a vintage-looking floral pattern. Doesn’t sound familiar? You probably missed it because it was mixed in with lots of other pillows. It’s the same one that shows up in later episodes on Jenny’s bed. You can see it in last season’s finale when she’s reading her internship acceptance letter. Yes, it’s true, I’m stalking the pillow. But hello! A pillow that can do Upper East Side chic and Williamsburg funky? True love. Who put it there? Don’t know. Don’t care. I Googled the company, Soft Goods Designs, and found out it costs—wait for it—$150. Take that, GTR #4!

ps> I’m totally enjoying Fashionistas. The tag on the cover says it’s going to be a major motion picture soon but you know that’s never going to happen.

Thursday, September 4

Fiction fun!

• Hairdos of the Mildly Depressed by Doug Crandell
• The Garden of Last Days by Andre Dubus II
• Mexican High by Liza Monroy
• The Crimson Portrait by Joy Shields
• The Groom to Have Been by Saher Alam
• A Stopover in Venice by Kathryn Walker
• Based on the Movie by Billy Taylor

ps> I take a book called Fashionistas to read on the train because I’m bored to death with the trivia book. Most of the trivia isn’t really trivia. Like: Americans prefer plush, fluffy towels, Europeans thin, waffle-pattern ones. Does that really count as trivia or is it a proposal for a luxury towel ad campaign in England? But Fashionistas is about scheming editors at a fashion magazine, which is so almost my life. If Adele was just a little meaner, I could totally be the heroine of the novel.

Wednesday, September 3

Attack of the Adele Monster!!

Adele comes into work this morning looking as if she was up until 5 watching the entire run of Entourage. I don’t say anything because there’s no good way to say, Hey, chica, you look like hell. But she comes right over to my desk and blames me for her dragging butt. Me! It’s my fault because the Engobi corn chip had so much caffeine in it it kept her up all night. She’s very sensitive to caffeine. How would I know that? Adele and I don’t chat about guys and bikini waxing over salads in the cafeteria. Not that that’s the point. I didn’t make her take one. Her choice. Free will. But in her exhausted state, Adele has gone to the crazy-paranoid place and insists it’s a plot to make her look bad in front of Georgie, the editor in chief, who she has a meeting with today.

As if.

still> Me a scheming editor at a fashion magazine. Fashionista intern 1; dragging-ass associate editor 0. Fun.

ps> Per Engobi.com, there are 66 chips in a bag. Do the math. She had 1/66th of a serving. A meager, minor, mere 1/66th. Her susceptibility to the power of suggestion kept her awake, not me and my evil caffeine plot.

Tuesday, September 2

Taste-Test Tuesday!

What: Engobi Energy Go Bites in Lemon Lift

Huh?: Corn chips infused with caffeine

Shoutout: 70% More Caffeine Than Those Little Energy Drinks

Expectation: Gross on crack

Reality: Not completely disgusting. Yeah, they smell so sickeningly sweet you think you’re going to hurl right there but the taste is okay. I eat one, then another and another. They’re oddly addictive. Curious, Caitlin has one and is also immediately hooked. She says they’re Sweet Tart-flavored corn chips—just what the world was missing. Adele decides she wants to try too, so I hold out the bag. She eats a chip and instantly makes a face as if she’s going to spit it out. But she bravely swallows. Assuming she’s gotten the bug too, I offer her another. No go. She turns away abruptly. Total tally: 2 votes for gross yet strangely compelling; 1 vote for just gross.